I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I had to cum in my sink.
Randomize
