Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
is this the sara with the beer cane?
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Randomize
