Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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