I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
