I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
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