if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I just had sex on a roof
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
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