Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Who died my cat blue again?
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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