well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
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