I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Green mimosas i think yes
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
