Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Randomize
