What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
