i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I am one with the molecules
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Randomize
