Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
