Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
