I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
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