The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Randomize
