The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Success! We fucked roommates!
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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