remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
He is such a slut. More and more my type.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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