New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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