Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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