Have you finally orgasmed yet?
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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