When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
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