so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
