I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
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