I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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