I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
