So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
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