I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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