I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
