Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
