I just saw a hot homeless man
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
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