There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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