some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
