I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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