I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
So squirting runs in the family.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
