May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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