Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
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