I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
