You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
