We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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