I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
The best revenge is premature balding
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
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