My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
