I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
