He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
i wish my penis had a tongue
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Randomize
