I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
