Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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