Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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