Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
