i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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