Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
